Why Romance?
“Romance is the glamour which turns the dust of everyday life into a golden haze.”
—Carolyn Gold Heilbrun
Last month, I introduced three basic stages of romance: the firsts, the in-betweens, and the lasts. The firsts in all their newness are exciting and sickening, blissful and frustrating, blind to all awkwardness and faults. The in-betweens certainly can encompass some of those same qualities but have the potential to become like a comfy and tired pair of old shoes that are shelved, gather dust, and turn brittle with time. My mom would say this is the phase when the “warm fuzzies” wear off. Jobs, children, a mortgage, illness—all the rigors of surviving life—add up, creating days of monotony and nights of just wanting to get into bed. The in-betweens are the true test of loyalty, fidelity, integrity, honesty, communication, and selflessness. They are a measurement of how deep and true love really runs between two people. It’s not my intention to be the harbinger of difficulty and doom when it comes to lasting love, but I have no problem confessing that some days, some years, for that matter, totally suck. HOWEVER, I will also confess that the in-betweens and their complex learning curves are wonderful, beautiful, and oh, so fulfilling. Like the old shoes, though, the relationship must be frequently polished and used to avoid the cracking and scars of neglect.
Married twenty-five years and still madly in love with my husband, I have discovered some tricks to keeping the love alive.
If we let the things that bug us about our partners consume our thoughts about them, the relationship will end up on life-support.
- Make sure past and future goals keep you grounded in the present
Memories of happy times and the events you had or hoped for will remind you of where you wanted to go. Did you both make it? And where do you both go from there? Plan the future. Have something to work toward together.
- Date, date, date
Even if you’re tired or don’t want to pay a babysitter, just go out and spend some time together—reconnect. Make that time happen.
- Build each other up
Never tear down. What good did that ever do anyone?
- LISTEN
Don’t talk or offer solutions. Just listen.
- Try new things together
Shake thing up a bit. Try a new restaurant, hatchet throwing, a different brand of toothpaste, whatever. Never let the adventure die!
- Let it go
This works both ways: “Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat his sins for breakfast.” –Marlene Dietrich
- Concerning intimacy
For my women readers: don’t weaponize sex, but also don’t be stingy with your body. Men: take her away from everyday life. She wants to be with you, but appreciates the moments when there are no interruptions, places to be, or chores to do. You’ll thank me later.
- Eternal Perspective
From day one, visualize your relationship as a forever prospect, not just a fleeting fling. If forever is the expectation, greater care will be taken and shown in how you treat one another and handle day-to-day situations.
- Traditional advice is just stupid sometimes
All relationships are different. You and your significant other will learn the best way to handle the bumps and bruises of your union. For example: my husband and I cannot live by the don’t go to bed mad cliche. We go to bed mad. I am less likely to say something hurtful if I’ve slept on it.
- Make your true love and his/her happiness your #1 priority
As soon as selfishness takes hold, things could get ugly. Of course, self-care is essential but know the difference between a personal timeout and egocentricity.
There are probably many more tips to survive the in-betweens, but these are just a few that kept the love alive in my life. Some of these tips were earned through painful trial and error. Heed them well. Don’t give up, don’t let your focus wander. The truest love is the one that is worked for, fought for, and wanted. Cherish the in-betweens time; it will lead to the lasts.
“A true relationship is two imperfect people refusing to give up on each other.”